As parents of children who are not impacted by the FCAT testing or the Sunshine State Standards, you might be wondering how these curricular guidelines and testing instruments are implemented in our school under the Montessori practices. We teach the traditional Montessori curriculum throughout our school from the Toddlers through the 8th grade. Our teachers have been specially trained in not only the vast sets of Montessori didactic materials, but also on a larger scale, in the scope and sequence of the Montessori curriculum for schools. There are curricular standards for each age grouping instead of each grade level. Within these standards are guidelines for all the subject areas. For example, the math curriculum for the first three grades includes addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division of whole numbers through the tens of thousands, and of fractions and decimals. This curriculum is not matched in traditional education until the fifth grade.

If one were to pace the Sunshine State Standards with the Montessori curriculum, one would find that not only does the Montessori stated curriculum include these standards, but it goes beyond in all subject areas. The reason this is possible is that children are permitted to move ahead at their own pace and are given advanced lessons to encourage and motivate them to learn more.

Evaluation of children in Montessori schools is done by teacher observation rather than by written tests. As the children get older, they are given instructions in how to take tests as part of the Montessori curriculum for practical life. Beginning in the 4th grade and continuing each year thereafter, the children take nationally-normed standardized achievement tests. However, this testing practice does not influence our curriculum and we do not teach to these tests. We continue with our Montessori curriculum and use these tests primarily as indicators for our parents so they can be reassured that their children are indeed meeting national standards for education.

Because our middle school program (Level 3) is also a time for children to be prepared for traditional high school, the curriculum includes all those things the children will need to know in order to transition to traditional education. They are taught test-taking skills, responsibility in managing homework, project-planning strategies, how to deal with assignments that aren’t due for several days or weeks, and how to pace themselves through these assignments. They also receive percentages as grades and must continue to work on assignments until they complete the work with 90% accuracy. As a result of our middle school program, our graduates consistently perform well in both private and public high schools. In fact, our graduates are sought after by some private schools in our area.
​
As a Montessori School, we pride ourselves in being true to our Montessori roots of meeting the needs of each individual child. Education of the whole child is our goal, and a very important part of this education is our academic program, which is not only excellent, but exceeds the traditional model available in our public and private schools. How far each child progresses depends upon who he is and how he is taught. The sky is the limit, not the curriculum!

Lying is an interesting phenomenon among us humans. We like to think it’s relegated only to children and politicians, but by playing the blame game we as a culture of people encourage ourselves to lie to each other. We are extremely critical of others, we’re good at being judgmental, and we can easily find blame because we’re looking for it as a way to protect ourselves. We create situations where the only way to save face is to lie. So it’s not just children and politicians, it’s the rest of us too who in defense, when backed into a corner, find the truth too illusive.

While I may not be able to affect any real change in the whole of our society, I would like to minimize children’s need for lying by creating an environment in which children can be safe to tell the truth and be free from being blamed for their behaviors. And if not for all children, at least for the children at our school, for your children and my grandchildren.

As you know I spend a lot of my working day with children, and I have focused on teaching children how to express themselves verbally in problem-solving situations. It goes like this: A child may have an encounter with another child. By our standards it may be mild and even insignificant, but from the child’s perspective it is important. The child may choose several paths for a solution from ignoring it to acting on it, but if I’m involved it is because the child chose to solve it with an adult. The child lets me know of her wishes by writing her name and the child’s name with whom she has a problem on a small slip of paper and putting it in a basket on my desk. As I have time I look at those slips of paper and then call the children into my room to talk about it. I try to create an emotionally safe environment for the children to discuss their issues. I am not judgmental, I am not interested in making the children feel badly about the situation in which they find themselves, I am not trying to get to the bottom of the incident or to figure out who did what to whom. I am not looking for blame, but I am looking for solutions. I am interested in having an open dialogue among the children where feelings can be discussed honestly and where children are not afraid of what’s going to happen to them. Punishment is not part of this endeavor and children are not required to apologize as part of the dialogue.

By removing these threats and by relinquishing my adult power over them and instead giving them some power, the children learn to trust me and are willing to work on solving problems peacefully. When we look for solutions in this way we find them, and many times I am so amazed at the ease with which the children are able to solve their own problems. Any solution must be reached together and must work for everyone involved. Children are the inventors of the solutions to their problems, not the concerned adults.

There are a few by products of this kind of working with children. First, the problems get solved. But more than that they get solved in such a considerate way that it almost takes one’s breath away. There is no shouting, not even any arguing. That is replaced by these children of 6, 7, and 8 years of age appearing rational and reasonable as they take turns at talking about their feelings and what will or won’t work for them. Frequently a child will ask for a verbal apology and then accept it graciously. The children then usually smile at each other and walk out cheerfully. But probably the most astonishing thing is the absence of lying. For in a safe environment lying isn’t really necessary.

Of course there are lots of differences between children and adults: they’re small and we’re tall; they’re young and we’re old; they’re inexperienced and we’re experienced. But beyond these simple and obvious differences, there are some interesting differences that we caring adults would do well to recognize. Children live in the moment. Waiting, planning, and preparing for one’s future are adult skills that don’t just come naturally to children. Children live in the moment. And in the moment they are happy or sad, crying or laughing, playing or resting, but certainly not planning for how best to prepare themselves for college. They can barely prepare themselves for anything, but instead they readily move from moment to moment with boundless energy, enchanting wonderment, and not a care for what lies ahead. Their lack of foresight causes consternation for many parents and teachers. Yet it is something we should learn to value and even practice in our own lives – living for the moment. Oh, we don’t need to discard our appointment books or our strategic planning so vital to our movement up the job ladder, but we do need to think about the importance of the here and now.

David Elkind wrote two books, The Hurried Child and All Grown Up and Nowhere to Go, that are further substantiation of how we overplan and overbook our children’s lives so that their childhoods evaporate and seem almost unlived. Some children are so encouraged to behave like or become grown ups, either by well-meaning adults or by our over-present media that they spend their childhoods in constant preparation for the next step. And when they finally arrive at that next step, they frequently ask, “And now what? Is that all there is?”

The school experience should not be one of constantly getting ready, getting ready for the next grade, getting ready for the next school, getting ready for college, getting ready for graduate school, getting ready for the rest of their lives. School should be about making the most of each moment shed by the child, about trading that precious, valuable moment of the child’s life for something worthy of the child’s time. The child lives in the moment so that the moments can really matter. We adults need to trust the child’s ability to accumulate moments that matter into experiences of value. Then, too, maybe we could unwind and find ourselves living in the present.

As our school closes for this school year, we would like to thank all of you who entrusted your children’s moments to us. We hope that we cut a good deal for your children, that we didn’t waste their time, that we weren’t too boring, that we didn’t rush them. We hope that as they grow older they will gain an appreciation for what we were all about and what we were trying to be for them.

And now with the summer vacation ahead of you, we extend to you our best wishes for memorable moments of summer bliss. We hope this time with your children will be restful, too, as you find some of those lazy days. We look forward to seeing most of you again at summer’s end.

When we hear the voices of our parents from inside of our heads, we call that our “parent tapes.” We all have them. Some are ones we like to hear, and some are ones we don’t want to listen to; some are even hurtful. Since few of us were educated to be parents, we mostly play our “parent tapes” to know how or how not to parent our children. And by and large, when our children are doing well we’re pretty satisfied with our skills; but when our children misbehave, embarrass us, disappoint us, or become unhappy, we begin to wonder what we could do differently.

We need to have a new set of tools in our parenting toolbox. One of them can be an understanding of why children misbehave. Children have certain needs that when unmet cause them to act out in differing ways. Children need to feel like they belong to our family, need to feel important, need to feel loved, and need to feel powerful. When these needs are met, children behave properly. When they are not met, children choose one of four ways of behaving in order to get their needs met.

Children may become annoying in order to get more attention from us, even negative attention. Attention equals importance or love to a child. Children may become uncooperative and unwilling to mind us when they feel their need for power is unfulfilled. Getting into power struggles with adults, even though the children do not win, helps children feel powerful. When children are hurt or don’t feel like they belong to the family, they may become hateful and say or do hurtful things to others around them, including their parents. When children feel like they can’t contribute something of value to the family, they may give up and quit trying to do even things they can do because they are so discouraged.

According to the way children think, these ways of behaving provide satisfaction for the children and are interpreted by them as working. Adolph Adler calls these responses of children “mistaken goals”. The children are mistaken in thinking these ways of behaving are productive. In fact, these responses are most uncomfortable for us adults. Either we feel annoyed, angry, hurt, or helpless when our children choose these mistaken goals. We in turn often give responses that do not advance our parenting skills and are not of benefit to our children.

What then can we do to help our children meet their needs for emotional health? We can begin by first deciding which mistaken goal our child is choosing. Once we know that, we can then respond accordingly. If your child needs attention and is demanding it, give it to her when she’s not demanding it. If you child needs power, don’t get into a power struggle but instead give her special jobs of responsibility. If your child feels hurt by some action you took, work on your relationship with your child without judgment. If your child is discouraged, encourage her by helping her take smaller steps where she can be more successful.

While the job of parenting is challenging, there is help out there for you. Lots of books have been written about this type of positive discipline and many are available in the office. Then, too, we offer Redirecting Children’s Behavior classes for parents. Join us.

One only needs to hold a newborn to understand trust. Helpless, equipped only with a voice to cry out, our children enter our lives and give themselves to us. They trust that we will take care of them, feed them, hold them, and love them. And in as much as is possible, we fervently try to anticipate and meet all their needs. But every once in a while they present a need for which we are totally unprepared. Such a need is being expressed by many of our children now as they learn that their country is engaged in war.

One 7-year-old child asked me what war meant. Another child said that he was afraid that he might die. A third child expressed a fear that the towers would fall. I listened earnestly to my first-, second-, and third-year students as I found them becoming aware that something frightening was happening somewhere out there. And I struggled within myself to find the best words to comfort my children, to protect them, and to help them keep that child-like trust that is their birthright. I answered the first child that war was an adult activity where the adults were trying to keep them safe. I asked the children if they knew who went to war.

​They answered, “soldiers.” I said that since soldiers were the ones who went to war that they were the ones that might die and since they, the children, didn’t go to war, that they were safe. I responded to the question about the towers by saying that the war was happening in another place far from where we were so that we were safe here. I reminded the children that their parents and other adults loved them and were going to continue taking care of them. After the discussion, one child came up to me and said, “I feel a lot better now.” Just as in the teaching of religion, our school does not teach children what to believe about politics. Both of those subjects are taught in your homes and we respect your beliefs. How you answer your older children’s questions about war may depend upon your own beliefs. But it is a good opportunity to explain to older children that this country is a country full of differing ideas which we as citizens are permitted to express. That’s one of the wonderful things about our democratic republic.

We aren’t supposed to drop our babies, starve them, abandon them to their own cries, or withhold our feelings of love for them. And by the same token, we aren’t supposed to frighten our children with the travesties of the adult world. Soon enough they will become aware that life presents dangers as well as safety. We cannot stop the rotation of the earth, we cannot hold time still, and we cannot keep our children innocent. But for now, for their time as children, they deserve our protection from harmful information. We do not let our children watch certain adult movies, read certain books, or play certain videos. We do this not because we believe in censorship but because we know that there are some realities which are inappropriate for young minds. Today, as we are engaged in war, which is of the adult world, we need to prevent our children from watching the television news. Our children are not able to understand what is going on, and the images that they might see and the words that they might hear on the television are beyond their abilities to integrate. How can children understand the paradox that they are expected to use their words, not their fists, to resolve their conflicts, but adults can use extreme force to solve theirs?

Don’t drop your children into a storm of information that can only shatter their trust of adults and create visual images which may linger within their minds’ eyes to create scary pictures. Instead of watching the TV news, why not play games with your children, why not have fun together? After all, that’s the substance of childhood.

As I marveled at the birth of my third grandchild, I harkened back to the time when I was a young parent like so many of you. That joyful expectation, the wonderment of his or her arrival, and the realization that the child was perfectly formed were awarenesses that ushered us all into parenthood.  And with that were the feelings of love for the child and gratitude to the whole of creation that this child was healthy and wonderful.

I expect this third grandchild will find his parents very much as you are and I was. They will probably do all they can possibly do for this little one and then some. They will, as we did, end up working very hard at being perfect parents for their perfect child. We parents pursue parenting differently but with the same goal in mind, that of giving our child the most wonderful life possible so that he may become all that is his potential and live a happy life.

There are many things you will be asked to do as you raise your child. Since you have a profound influence over your child, how you respond to her in certain situations will be key. Before your child entered school you probably concentrated on all the things she could do. Perhaps you even wrote down some of these achievements and some of these firsts, like the first time she rolled over or sat up or the first word she spoke. You were rightly focused on how great she was.

But often when a child begins school parents shift this focus to the mistakes he or she makes.  Frequently these mistakes are just the effects of learning and are normal and natural. They are not indicators of her impending failure of attaining that original goal you had for her of reaching her potential and of leading a happy life. But instead your emphasis on these mistakes does in fact thwart her and gives her the perhaps unspoken message that you are disappointed in her and that she is not as good or competent as you had thought.

As he enters our Montessori environment, whether it is in the toddler environment or any of our classrooms, we hope you will keep that wonder that enveloped you at your child’s birth. We want you to continue to stress all that he is capable of doing just the way you did when you wrote those firsts in his baby book. We also want you to know that we believe mistakes are opportunities for learning and evidence of learning taking place. We welcome mistakes because mistakes are indicators of where lessons are needed. Children need to feel safe in school to make mistakes; by feeling safe to make mistakes they are freer to learn. The two go together. So continue to look for all your child can do, stress that, and be gentle with mistakes. Not only is it important for you to accept your child’s mistakes, but it is important for your child to be able to accept her mistakes as part of the learning dance.
​
I don’t know about you, but sometimes it even takes me several times at making the same mistake before learning how to do it right. You might need to let your child make repeated mistakes without showing your discouragement. Remember, it’s how we all learn.

In a school setting we’re lucky to have two beginnings. We begin fresh each school year at the end of summer vacation, and we get to begin again with the calendar new year. Traditionally this is a time for reflection of the past year’s actions and activities, and a time to turn over new leaves in areas we target for improvement or change. It’s a great time to think about our families and the traditions we want to establish and the values we hope to impart to our children through these traditions.

The feeling of security within one’s family is important to the child. We can help to create that for our children by providing stability in our relationships with them. Having routines, procedures that we follow, chores that we do as a way of contributing to our family, fun activities to share, games to play, and vacations to take all contribute to a child’s sense of safety within the environment. These routines and ways of behaving become dependable to the child and help the child feel like s/he belongs to the family.

In earlier times these activities were controlled totally by the parents, but in today’s times of encouraging cooperation among family members we can ask for our children’s input. For example, when assigning chores (children do not get paid for chores; they do these as part of their membership in the family) parents and children together can create a list of chores that the household needs having done. Then each child can choose a chore for a time period, say for a week. At the end of the week, the children can change chores. In this way the good jobs and the less popular jobs are shared, and everyone knows that no one will be stuck with the worst chore forever! Once the chores are chosen, however, there is no bargaining out of them. If you see that piano lessons on Thursday might interfere with the execution of a chore, you might ask your child how s/he plans to manage the chore and the lesson on Thursday. It would go something like this, “In looking ahead at the week’s schedule I notice that you have a piano lesson on Thursday at 5:00, which is when the dog usually gets fed. I wonder how you’re going to manage both activities?”

Times for things like dinner, homework if there is any, TV watching, bathing, reading, and brushing teeth need to be established so that everyone knows what happens when. This can be accomplished by asking the child when s/he would like to plan for these. “Would you like to read your book before or after your bath? Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner?” Again, once times or routines have found agreement among yourselves, then everyone must adhere to them. That’s called follow through – it’s your parental job and it’s very important. When you follow through with agreements, you can do so cheerfully and with a kind but firm tone of voice.
​
Don’t forget to use this forum for planning fun things to do with your family like movies, beach trips, and your annual family vacation. When children feel like they have a say in the activities of the family, they feel like they belong. And they do.

I especially remember one Christmas morning when my children were little. I had spent the wee hours of the morning wrapping presents, the ones from you know who. In doing so, I checked to make sure each child got the same number of presents. Even though they were different ages, I didn’t want one to feel slighted or treated unfairly if they counted and discovered the other had more. Because the presents were in large boxes, they didn’t fit into the stockings, so I just laid them out on the floor in a line from each stocking so it was easy to see whose presents were whose.

Christmas morning came early when the children ran into my bedroom and asked if they could open their presents. I got the camera and hurried into the family room to watch the fun and the delight on their faces. It is one of those special moments that only parents can truly appreciate to watch their children with Christmas magic all over them. Kristopher was two and a half and Kara was almost five. Kara systematically opened one present, held it up and smiled as she displayed it for a photo op. One after another, she opened her presents and repeated this ritual of posing for the snapshot. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t taking any pictures of Kristopher. I looked at him to see what was happening and I had one of those paradigm shifts we talk about in the RCB parenting course. He had opened only one present; all the others were still wrapped, and he was happily playing with that present to his heart’s delight and blissfully ignoring all his other yet unopened presents. I said something like, “Oh, look, Kristopher, you have other presents to unwrap.” He replied, “But I like this one.”

I knocked myself on the head. What was I doing? I was teaching him how not to be satisfied with only one present, even if it was one he really loved. I was teaching him to expect a lot of presents in order to have a great time. I was ruining the moment he owned, that moment of being so content with what he had, of not being greedy or not being jealous of others who had more as his sister at that moment did.

I decided then and there to do something different next year that would counter this lesson. Little did I realize how different that next year would be! It was during that next year that the Center began and the children and I started going to school together.

Life proceeded, busy and fun, and before I realized it, it was December. We began making holiday decorations for the classroom and I decided to get a real Christmas tree for the children to decorate and enjoy in the classroom. We had great fun making the tree and our classroom beautiful. As Christmas approached, it was time for the school vacation and time to vacate the classroom. The children asked what we were going to do with our tree? It hit me. I knew what would be different this Christmas. We’d deliver our school tree to a family who otherwise wouldn’t have one. The children liked the idea, so I loaded the station wagon with the tree, and my little helpers, Kara, Kristopher, Justin, Rachel, and Paul. Off we went to downtown Palmetto to a neighborhood near the tomato-packing plant. I drove down a random street, parked the car at the side of the road, and the children and I boldly walked up to a house that looked like it didn’t have a Christmas tree. We couldn’t see any colored lights. The front door was open and through the screened door we could see several children taking care of themselves while their parents worked. Talking through the screen, I asked the oldest child if they had a Christmas tree. No, they didn’t. Would they like one? Yes, they would. So my little helpers and I unloaded our lovely tree and happily carried it, stand, lights, decorations and all, into this little deserving and needy home. My little helpers were all wide eyed as they saw for the first time a home whose interior was very different from any of theirs. They saw children who were their own sizes but who were taking care of themselves in the absence of their parents. They also saw children who became gleeful when their home, too, was graced with a real Christmas tree.

As we tree bearers returned back to school, the children were filled with questions about that other little house and its members. But we were all filled with something else, too. We were filled with a very special kind of joy, the joy of giving. Now that was a great lesson.

I especially remember one Christmas morning when my children were little. I had spent the wee hours of the morning wrapping presents, the ones from you know who. In doing so I checked to make sure each child got the same number of presents. Even though they were different ages, I didn’t want one to feel slighted or treated unfairly if they counted and discovered the other had more. Because the presents were in large boxes, they didn’t fit into the stockings, so I just laid them out on the floor in a line from each stocking so it was easy to see whose presents were whose.

Christmas morning came early when the children ran into my bedroom and asked if they could open their presents. I got the camera and hurried into the family room to watch the fun and the delight on their faces. It is one of those special moments that only parents can truly appreciate to watch their children with Christmas magic all over them. Kristopher was two and a half and Kara was almost five. Kara systematically opened one present, held it up, and smiled as she displayed it for a photo op. One after another she opened her presents, and repeated this ritual of posing for the snapshot. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t taking any pictures of Kristopher. I looked at him to see what was happening, and I had one of those paradigm shifts we talk about in the RCB parenting course. He had opened only one present, all the others were still wrapped, and he was happily playing with that present to his heart’s delight, and blissfully ignoring all his other yet unopened presents. I said something like, “Oh, look, Kristopher, you have other presents to unwrap.” He replied, “But I like this one.”

I knocked myself on the head. What was I doing? I was teaching him how not to be satisfied with only one present, even if it was one he really loved. I was teaching him to expect a lot of presents in order to have a great time. I was ruining the moment he owned, that moment of being so content with what he had, of not being greedy, or not being jealous of others who had more as his sister at that moment did.

I decided then and there to do something different next year that would counter this lesson. Little did I realize how different that next year would be! It was during that next year that the Center began and the children and I started going to school together.

Life proceeded, busy and fun, and before I realized it, it was December. We began making holiday decorations for the classroom and I decided to get a real Christmas tree for the children to decorate and enjoy in the classroom. We had great fun making the tree and our classroom beautiful. As Christmas approached it was time for the school vacation and time to vacate the classroom. The children asked what we were going to do with our tree? It hit me: I knew what would be different this Christmas. We’d deliver our school tree to a family who otherwise wouldn’t have one. The children liked the idea, so I loaded the station wagon with the tree and my little helpers, Kara, Kristopher, Justin, Rachel, and Paul. Off we went to downtown Palmetto to a neighborhood near the tomato-packing plant. I drove down a random street, parked the car at the side of the road, and the children and I boldly walked up to a house that looked like it didn’t have a Christmas tree (we couldn’t see any colored lights). The front door was open, and through the screened door we could see several children taking care of themselves while their parents worked.

​Talking through the screen I asked the oldest child if they had a Christmas tree. No, they didn’t. Would they like one? Yes, they would. So my little helpers and I unloaded our lovely tree and happily carried it, stand, lights, decorations and all, into this little deserving and needy home. My little helpers were all wide eyed as they saw for the first time a home whose interior was very different from any of theirs. They saw children who were their own sizes but who were taking care of themselves in the absence of their parents. They also saw children who became gleeful when their home too was graced with a real Christmas tree.

As we tree bearers returned back to school, the children were filled with questions about that other little house and its members. But we were all filled with something else, too. We were filled with a very special kind of joy, the joy of giving. Now that was a great lesson.

If there is one thing you can do as a family to make a difference in your children’s lives, it is to have family dinners together. More studies are being reported that cite the value to children in gathering each day around the family dinner table, connecting with one’s family, and feeling like one belongs. The latest studies show that the one factor that differentiated National Merit Scholars from other students was that more of the scholars experienced family dinners than did the other students.

In our busy rush-rush culture, while we’re all taking our children everywhere to get those special lessons or when we’re exhausted from our day at work and we’re hurrying our children into the car, we need to become aware that the simple family dinner gives our children the most bang for the buck. And there’s a value in it for us, too. We’ll find that as our children transform into adolescents, they will be 20% less likely to smoke and use drugs.

Then when they’re grown up and you have an empty nest, you’ll have those fun memories of your family together spilling milk on the tablecloth, dropping food to the dog, setting and clearing the table with only a few broken dishes. And oh, yes, in looking back to the days when they still lived with you, you’ll remember how much you enjoyed exchanging ideas with your growing children at your table. Make nightly family dinners a priority in your lives.

Dear Parents,
As most of you know, my husband and I have four children, all grown now.  When they were all under our roof, it was frequently difficult to discover who had done what. Questions like “Who has broken Aunt Rosie’s cobalt blue vase?” were usually answered by all four of them collectively and individually, “Not me.” Well, when the third child went away to college leaving Kristopher at home, Peter would say that “Not me” had gone to college too because now we knew that Kristopher was the only child at home. He couldn’t point to “Not me” for anything.

Nobody likes to be blamed, guilty or not, not children and not even us mature adults. But it’s so easy to blame that most of us do it quite skillfully. Unfortunately, we all too often blame those least able to deal with the blame, our children. We do it with the best intention, of helping our children learn to accept responsibility for their actions. But instead of saying, “Thanks, Mom and Dad, for calling me on it; I’ll own up to it right away,” our children creatively think of ways to defend themselves and to prove their innocence. Sometimes they are so ardent in their own defense that we begin to question our own certainty of their guilt and find ourselves in a real muddle.

Problems are more effectively solved if we begin by looking for solutions instead of blame. The dialogue one has with one’s own child depends upon the age of the child, but it might go something like this: “I’ve got a problem, and I need your help in finding the solution. Are you willing to help me?” By opening up the conversation with our child this way, we’re creating a blameless environment for the child so that she may be willing to talk openly and honestly with us. Our child doesn’t need to be made to feel bad in order to learn whatever lesson we want her to learn. In fact, when she does feel bad, there is less chance of her gaining any problem-solving insight that might be useful with this problem or with others in the future. When parents try to make guilt work with children, it usually backfires. Children become angry, either openly or inwardly, and often scheme ways to get even with us instead of deciding to cooperate with us.

Back to the cobalt blue vase – did I mention it was an antique? Well, I might as well tell you the rest of it.  I kept this special vase in a cupboard in the kitchen that housed other glass treasures, some of which were used for special occasions or large gatherings. One day while fetching something else, I noticed that the vase had a nick out of the top of it and upon closer inspection I found that there was a large broken piece that had been taped back into the neck of the vase. It was obvious that a kid had done the tape repair job, but which kid? I thought about this and decided to try to create a safe environment for the one who was harboring the truth, so at dinner I said, “ I know none of you have ever met my great Aunt Rosie, who died before any of you children were born, but there are a few items in this house that remind me of her. One is this ring I wear sometimes. Another is a floral vase she gave to my mom, and the third item is a blue vase that she gave to my grandmother. I was looking at that blue vase recently and I noticed that there was a little triangular cracked piece at the top of it which someone taped over in an attempt to repair it. I don’t know how that vase got damaged, I am sure it was by accident, but I appreciate that whoever nicked it also tried to repair it. I just wanted you all to know that I understand how accidents happen and that I am not angry at anyone because the vase got damaged. Even though the vase is broken a bit, I am still able to lovingly remember my Aunt Rosie whenever I see that vase.”

The next day, one of our children came to me and told me how the vase had gotten chipped. It was an accident and our child had been afraid to tell me. I hugged and thanked our child for sharing that with me.
That night in bed, Peter and I talked about what had happened. We were glad that our child had been able to get rid of the fear of revealing what had happened, and we hoped it would carry over to other times. In an earlier time we would have fussed at our child and made that child feel even worse about breaking the vase and not telling us when it had happened, but by preserving our child’s dignity, Peter and I felt better about ourselves as parents. After all, even antique vases can be repaired, but a child’s sense of self, a child’s belief about whether he is a good child or not, is formulated bit by bit, interaction by interaction, word by word. It’s a lot harder to repair a child’s heart than to fix an old vase anyhow.  We don’t need to make our children feel bad and suffer in order for them to learn the lesson.

Did this event have far-reaching results? Did the children then always tell us when they did something they needed to correct or repair? No, not always. But there were many times when they did and we celebrated those together. We tried hard to let our children know that they were much more valuable to us than anything they could break.
​
When we each think about how we want our family to live and work together, we want cooperation, consideration, and teamwork to be elements. Too many times our old parent “tapes” replay the mistakes our own parents made with us. The new tapes are empty and we’ve got to fill them with parenting skills that suit us and our children. Try erasing blame and substituting a quest for solutions. You might be surprised at how willing your children are to help you out.

I thought if ever there were a time to see the setting sun’s green flash, it would be this evening. I reasoned the sky was cloudlessly clear, the gulf Caribbean blue, and the sun was its bright orangish-yellow. I reckoned that the blues and yellows, unobstructed and untempered by clouds, would create that green color the way paints do when mixed. And then, as we watched the sun melt into the gulf, it suddenly transformed itself into an ellipsoid-shaped green sun. We couldn’t believe our eyes, but we did know that we had actually seen what we’d talked about for years, a flashing glimpse of the green setting sun.

Convinced I had figured out this strange happening, I proceeded to explain how that blue sea and yellow sun had made that irridescent, bright green, sinking sun. Peter listened unimpressed. When we returned home from our beach walk, he got on the Internet to search for the scientific explanation. I was fairly well insulted. But this merely exemplified how we use different criteria for gathering and believing information. If we had been discussing child development or how children learn to read, my husband would have accepted my words as fact, but he did not use me as his reference for the scientific explanation of the green flash.

That’s the way it is with our children. They too have ways of knowing, systems they use that tell them whether a source can be believed or not. That explains why when your children are learning to regroup in math, the only one they believe can do this arithmetic is their own classroom teacher. You as parents may know a lot of things, but they don’t trust your information when it comes to their classroom math work. I’m sure you can cite lots of other examples of this phenomenon, but its importance needs to be noted because it has great implications as your children age.

If not now, certainly one day your cherubs will be adolescents. Many teenagers get this stilted idea that their parents don’t know much about what it’s like to be a teenager. They seem unaware that their parents were ever teenagers themselves or that they might have struggled with some of the same parent-adolescent power issues that confound them. But you have the advantage here because YOU know that you were once their age, were at their stage of development, and probably you even remember what some of your issues with authorities were way back then. Great! Get in touch with your teenage self and use that information to better deal with your own adolescents. You’ll find that you then, like them now, did not use your parents as a way of knowing about “street stuff”, you know, the stuff that’s really vital for a healthy self, accurate information about drugs and sex, for example. What was your information base? Whom did you trust to tell you the truth?

Hopefully this awareness will guide you not to lecture to your children, but instead to engage in dialogues with them. They may not agree with you, they may not think you know what you are talking about, but it’s important for you to let your children know how you’re feeling, why you’re worried about them or their situation or the choices that face them. Tell them that you know you don’t have the power over them to make their decisions. Relinquish it to them. They have it, anyway. Share your dreams for them and share your need to be a great parent to them. Let them know that as you see it, part of being a great parent is trying to deliver them safely to adulthood. Understand that some of the information they’re getting from their friends is faulty. They will believe it nonetheless.

Be ready for and supportive of others, professionals I mean, who might hold your child’s trust and belief when it comes to information they don’t think you know. And probably the most important words you can say to your teenagers or budding teenagers are, “Tell me what you think about …. I’d like to know how you’re thinking and what’s important to you.” It doesn’t mean you have to agree, but you do have to listen! And, if you find yourself doing all the talking, then no one is listening. To open the dialogue, ask for your children’s advice or opinion about something that really counts. In this way your children will sense that you value them as those who are important and whose ideas are worth being heard. Once your children are talking and you are listening, you’re on the road to relationship building. It’ll be a rocky road, but it is navigable with love, patience, and mutual respect. And if you’re lucky, it’ll last forever.

All around us changes are happening in the field of education. Yet within the Montessori movement, the tried and true methods prevail, unthreatened by the circular route that plagues educational thought, interrupts the children’s education, and inhibits their potential. I am speaking about the national move to emphasize mass testing.

Perhaps the problem is that the field of education, which should be founded on the science of education, appreciated as an art, and witnessed by teachers who are encouraged to do their jobs, is instead hampered by the yin and the yang of first one tired idea after another.

Let me give you an example of what I mean. I graduated from college in 1966 (were any of y’all born yet?) and began teaching in a self-contained classroom in Gainesville. The next year I moved to California and again taught in a self-contained classroom with first and second graders, but something was different there. They had just finished an experiment in a classroom organizational plan called “pods”. “Pods” were classrooms without walls. Four classes (100 children or more) were together in a very large space with four teachers. They found that the children were not able to work as productively as in regular classrooms with fewer children. They spent a lot of time and money installing walls within these “pods” and restoring the classrooms to self-contained ones. In 1974, I returned to Manatee County to find they were building schools with “pods”, citing them as the latest, greatest new idea. I wondered if they had known about California’s experiment. In time Manatee County, too, installed walls and returned to self-contained classrooms.

Montessori schools are founded on the scientific observations of children, understand how children learn, and know what they are ready to learn at each stage of their development. Since most Montessori schools are self-supporting, they do not have to compromise their beliefs in order to receive funding from the government. Consequently Montessori schools do not fall prey to constantly changing solutions with which they do not agree.

Children are not adults, and childhood is not adulthood. Childhood is filled with learning opportunities from the moment of birth. Most children learn very nicely before they come to school. They learn to roll over, to sit, to stand, to walk, to run, and to talk without the benefit of teachers, schools, testing, or grades. As parents you have probably observed as much in your own children. Did you take your child somewhere to be tested on how well s/he sat before you permitted him/her to stand? How was it that you had such faith in your child’s ability to learn and master that skill without instruction? Did you know then that your child was his/her own best teacher? Do you still believe that now? We Montessorians do. We work with your children in a manner that tries to keep from interfering with your child’s own learning.

We know that testing interferes with the child’s learning. How? It negatively charges the climate. Children learned all they did before coming to school in part because the environment didn’t interfere with what the children wanted to learn. Testing interferes by causing children to be afraid of making mistakes. Yet mistakes are a vital part of learning. We’ve got to be lenient with children as they make mistakes in learning. They’re children and they are supposed to make mistakes. For optimal learning children need to be in a school setting that accepts their mistakes as a part of learning. When children are free to make mistakes without fear of getting a bad mark or failing a test, they are not only able to achieve far more, but they are also able to feel much better about themselves. My grandson doesn’t feel bad because he walked later than one of his mother’s friend’s child, and he shouldn’t. Neither should my daughter worry about him. Instead she should trust his inner clock that regulates all his learning.

In order for schools to be places where children learn, they need to protect the learning environment of all the children. Children need to be saved from being afraid of failure. That’s something for the adult world, not for the world of children. You might be asking if not testing, then how will you know that your child is learning what s/he should? Your child’s teacher knows because she has been observing your child as your child has been working on learning. She has been doing a dance with your child. She’s been practicing the science and the art of education, and she loves it.

Montessori schools are wonderful places for children for so many reasons. One big reason is that they are safe places for children to learn, not just physically safe, but emotionally safe as well.

There is a certain magic and delightful wonder in childhood. It has been recognized and written about for centuries, and there abound many sayings to remind us of this. Perhaps that is why I feel so compelled to defend the child’s position of innocence. Those of us, both parents and teachers who come in frequent contact with children and who are seen by children as minor gods, have a tremendous responsibility to protect the innocence of children. It’s a challenging job because too often we are not sensitive to the ways in which the child’s naivete plays itself out in childhood. Because we are no longer innocent ourselves, we assume no one is innocent. But children are, and we need to appreciate that.

Why is innocence a part of childhood? Why do children have it or need it? They have it and need it because it is a tool for dealing with the uncertainty and insecurity of life when one is rather helpless, as children are. As we have seen recently, fear is paralyzing. Even we adults, who think of ourselves as rational, can feel helpless, vulnerable, powerless, and frightened when we don’t know how to deal with the uncertainty of some events in our lives. These events can be as current as terrorism. But as adults, we are separated from children by the number of years we’ve been alive and by how we’ve transformed those years into meaningful life experiences which hopefully have given us some degree of wisdom. Therefore, when something unexpected happens in our lives, we use our past experiences to make sense of it and to guide us as to what to do next.

Children, on the other hand, don’t have this bevy of experiences from which to derive a sense of power or security. What children have instead is a sense of innocence. With that innocence comes trust. Since children can’t solve the adult world’s problems, they trust that we adults will.
Whether we can in fact solve these world problems is not really the issue here. Rather what is important for us to understand is that our children need this age of innocence and they need for us to respect that. We can show respect to our children by discussing adult topics outside of their ears’ hearing. We can limit their TV viewing to programs that do not instill fear or terror. This may include news programs. We can invite discussions of their fears, questions, and observations. We can refrain from elaborate, detailed answers and explanation to their questions and instead simply answer what they ask. We can try to hear what their questions are and not insert our fears into their questions or amplify their questions by our awareness of the problems. Remember, children are innocent and will usually accept our short, truthful answers.
​
As children grow older and their awareness becomes educated, they are able to ask more sophisticated questions. We must acknowledge their growing understanding of the nature of our world and answer their questions respectfully, but still with sensitivity to the fact that they still are children in transition to becoming adults. We do not need to tell our older children more than they are asking, but we do need to answer and share dialogue with them that causes them to feel important.
As your children’s educators, we shall continue to keep our school sensitive to your children’s ages, stages of development, and capabilities. We shall do our best to keep your children within the Montessori envelope of education for the whole child.

There it was in today’s paper, “Family Ties: Five simple steps to strengthen the bonds between parent and child.” It’s characteristic of the era in which we’re living that we’ve become so unfamiliar with how to be a family. Something that generations of humans have been doing since Adam and Eve now needs to be taught to us. How have we permitted our pace of life to disconnect us from our own instincts? Mistrusting ourselves we think we need to be taught how to be a family. Really, we just need to listen to and trust our inner selves. It’s something we all know how to do.

I remember what time supper was at our house when I was growing up. It was at 5:30 every day. No matter what else was negotiable between me and my parents, suppertime was not. I was expected to be there, with my hands washed. Usually my mother would call me a few minutes before, but when she called there was no lingering. We all knew it was time to be together, time for us as a family to eat, to talk, and to share the activities of our day. Its importance was never stated but understood, valued, and internalized.

Somewhere in our busy world of this the 21st century we’ve misplaced our family dinners among soccer practice, working late at the office, and grabbing a bite at the fast-food eatery. The effect of this omission on our family has been profound. It’s caused a kind of amnesia to overtake us resulting in our inability to remember how to be a family. Not only do we suffer this loss but our children suffer even more. Because when their childhood disappears into adulthood they won’t have any old tapes to replay in order to create a rebirth of family rituals in their family. We face the possibility of family life becoming obsolete. All because we’ve underestimated the importance of the family dinner as the glue that holds our family life together.

As each of you think back to your own childhood you may like what you remember or you may wish to rewrite the events. But you probably had family dinners together as a routine and a hallmark of who your family was. As you live your family life today you are free to be as creative and as different or as similar as you wish to your own memories. But realize that whatever the quality of life you experienced you learned what a family was and you still know that today.
​
Whether you follow the newspaper’s five simple steps* or not without the family dinner as your foothold not much else matters, or should I say, not much else matters more. Bon apetit.
* 1. Schedule special time with each child.
* 2. Join your child in an activity he or she enjoys.
* 3. Institute game night.
* 4. Institute reading night.
* 5. Set weekly family meetings.

When I was a child the summers seemed so long and leisurely. Because both my parents were public school teachers in Manatee County, we all enjoyed long days of slow-paced island living. My childhood friends and I had lots of fun playing at the beach, riding our bicycles, and playing kick the can in the streets. We were unfettered as we whiled away the summer days in our carefree ways. My first awareness of the closing of summer came annually on August 11, my cousin’s birthday. It was my harbinger marking summer’s end and warning of the upcoming school year. How I hated her birthday! Summers belong to childhood, and I hope your child had a great summer, the kind that adult longings perpetuate.
​
On behalf of the entire Center staff, I would like to welcome you to the new school year. Education is not only our vocation, it is our passion. We are excited to have the opportunity of sharing this part of your child’s lifetime. We are committed to doing our best at enticing your child to reach for the stars and place them in his or her educational crown. We will need your help, confidence, and support along the way. Please join hands with us as we work together to make a difference in your child’s life.

None of us like it when our children have problems getting along with others. That may be in part why our approach to teaching your children how to solve their own problems has been met with such high regard by you parents. But we realize that we also have an obligation to offer some strategies which may complement our work at school and benefit you in problem solving with your children at home.

First, when a problem arises, ask yourself, “Who’s got the problem?” The solution belongs to that person.
If your child has the problem, you can help by listening empathetically without offering a solution or advice. Instead, you might ask a question, “I wonder what you could do to solve your problem?” In this way, your child will receive the message that she can solve her own problems and that you have confidence in her to do so.

When you have the problem, it’s helpful to wait until you have cooled down, and then you might say to your child, “I have a problem I’d like to solve with you. Is now a good time?” By asking the child this question, the air becomes neutralized and the foundation for respectfully working on a solution begins being laid. Then, using “I” statements, you might tell your child what you do not like and how you feel. It might sound like this, “I was embarrassed when my friend called me on the phone and you kept asking me if Kelly could come over and play. I would like it if you would wait until I’m off the phone to ask me questions.” By telling your child how you felt instead of what she did wrong, you are creating a safe environment, one in which your child may not feel the need to defend herself or her actions. Next your child will probably agree to wait until you are off the phone to ask you a question, and then you can thank her for helping you solve that problem. “Gee, I feel so much better knowing that the next time Barbara calls me I will be able to give her my full attention. Thanks for helping me with this. I really appreciate it.” What you were doing here was looking for a solution to your problem instead of blaming your child for being so disruptive.

This simple dialogue with your child may be enough to cause her to adjust her behavior and be considerate of you, but it may not, and the behavior may return. When this happens, sometimes a brief reminder of the past event may help, “Remember my phone call with Barbara.” If this doesn’t stop the disruptive behavior, wait until you’re off the phone and then say something like, “I’d like to talk with you about that problem you helped me solve. Remember the phone one. I was so grateful for your help the last time I was talking to Barbara. Do you remember what you decided?” Your child might say, “Oh, I was going to wait until you were off the phone to ask you my question.” “Yes, that’s how I remember it, too. Since it seemed hard for you to remember, I was wondering if there might be some signal I could give you when I’m on the phone that would help you remember. How about if I touch my watch as a reminder? Do you think that might help you to remember?” Probably your child will agree.
​
… to be continued

​By using this kind of conversation with your child you are avoiding nagging, but you are also conveying to her that you do expect her to live up to her agreements, and that you will follow through consistently. “OK, so the next time I’m on the phone and you want to ask me something, what will you do?” Child: “I’ll wait until you’re off the phone.” “Right, and if you forget, what will I do?” Child: “You’ll give me that watch signal.” “Great! We’re all set. Oh, Honey, just in the event that you decide to ignore the signal and you keep asking me stuff while I’m on the phone, I want you to know that I’ll be unwilling to answer those questions even when I’m off the phone. So we’re all set!”

Later the phone rings; it’s for you. You start talking and your child comes to you and interrupts you. You cheerfully touch your watch and look at your child. Hopefully, she gives you the “Oh, I remember” look and leaves you alone. But maybe she’s just so eager and impatient that she ignores the signal and keeps on pestering you. You turn away, tell your friend you’ll get back to her, hang up, and go about your business. Your child follows you and says, “Oh, Mommy, I was so excited, I just couldn’t wait. I know I was supposed to follow the watch signal, but this is just too important. I had to ask you right now because Kelly is outside wanting to know if I can go play with her at her house. So Mommy, is it all right? Can I go play with her over there?”

Cheerfully and respectfully you ask, “Remember our agreement about the phone? Well, do you remember my agreement? Yes, that’s right. I’m unwilling to answer your questions now.” “Well, when will you be willing?” “I’m not willing now.” Your line doesn’t change; it’s the broken record answer, “I’m not willing now.”

It’s very important that you don’t get mad or react to her behavior. We could expect her to act out now since she’s not getting what she wanted from you. But you’re a great teacher, so you’re not going to cave in. If it turns into a real scene, one of you will probably benefit from removing yourself to your own self-quieting space. If she has one, you might suggest she use it to help comfort herself. If you need the space yourself, go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Stay there until you feel better.

When you or she returns from self quieting, resist the urge to lecture. Just turn the page. Resume life at home as if nothing has happened. Let the consequence of her own behavior teach her the lesson.

We parents and teachers need to remind ourselves that we are teaching our children the skills we want them to learn by our behavior even at times when it doesn’t feel like a lesson to us. Children do not learn to be cooperative as a result of being lectured to, reprimanded, or punished. They may adjust their behavior as a result of some of these strategies, but they do it because you are temporarily more powerful and they are afraid not to behave or because they temporarily want to please you. We want our children to learn to behave as a result of wanting to be cooperative, wanting to make contributions to family life, and wanting to feel an important and valued member of our family.

I hope that the techniques the children are learning to use for solving problems flow into your homes and into our communities to create better places for us all. It was Maria Montessori’s belief that in this way world peace could be realized. She highly valued the potential of children.

Our application of the Montessori methodology includes not only a desire for academic achievement, but also a keen interest in the development of the whole child. While we want your child to have an appreciation and respect for others, we are deeply concerned for how your child feels about himself. We know that children are very sensitive to and are influenced by what they think their parents expect of them and how they interpret their parents treatment of them. We also know that all of us parents and teachers want our children to know that we not only love them, but that we value them as individuals. So, how can we be sure our message is delivered to our children so that we can promote the growth of healthy self-esteem within them?

What we know now is that birth order is a major factor in how our children interpret our expectations and treatment of them. We may be sending the same message to all of our children, but they are receiving it differently. First borns tend to get a lot of attention from adults and they have a lot expected of them. Many moms take care to record when the first-born child rolls over, sits up, stands, loses a tooth, walks, talks, etc., but has little record of subsequent children’s similar activities. They want to please their parents and to make their parents proud of them. Second borns may be sent the same message, but perceive it differently. They see their older first-born sibling as the perfect little adult and find that in order to gain their own importance they must find significance in different ways. Sometimes these children try to be the opposite of the first born as a way to define themselves.

Babies enter the family finding the role of charmer available and many times assume it. They see no need to be like the parents and strive for achievement, nor do they need to make their place by being difficult. They already realize that they are special, they are the final baby. They find security in being engaging and affable as everyone in the family fusses over them.

Only children are considered super first borns. Their whole world is surrounded by adults and adults become their peers. It’s challenging for only children to be adults even as children, but they try. Adults accommodate them by accepting everything they do, but the onlies know they aren’t really as good as mom or dad.

So given some of this information, how can we encourage all of our children to become the best they can without feeling that pressure to please or displease us and to ultimately feel good about who they are? We have some advice!
​
… to be continued

Sometimes we have trouble deciding what our responsibility is in our children’s lives. Oh, we know the big things, life and limb, but we struggle with the daily decisions. Part of our trouble is that we all want to be such great parents that the resulting pressure clouds our otherwise clear thinking and restricts decisive action.
​
One helpful way of working is to first of all tell ourselves that we are in fact our children’s very best parents. The fact that we’re their only parents doesn’t count. After all, we’re the parents who are trying so hard not to make mistakes on our children, at least not the same mistakes our parents made on us. But what we need to become aware of is that by being willing to make mistakes and to accept our foibles we do actually cause ourselves to be better parents. Modeling perfection to children sets them up for predictable disappointment. We all know that children can’t be perfect and we don’t want them to feel that kind of stress from us. We want them to grow, and in growing we expect them to make mistakes. We know that these mistakes are opportunities for learning and hence are good for them. Of course we do not want the mistakes to be huge or clearly damaging to our children, but we do recognize the importance and value of little mistakes. So we just need to permit ourselves this same latitude, the right to make mistakes. When we’re not afraid of making mistakes, we can really grow in our parenting skills.

One action I see happening over and over again among all of us parents is fuzzy thinking regarding our child’s responsibilities and our responsibilities. Are we responsible for returning our child’s library book to school? Are we responsible for returning our child’s homework to school? Are we responsible for remembering to give our child her lunch box as she leaves the house or the car? Are we responsible for dressing our child? Are we responsible for selecting our child’s clothing each day? I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. These and other similar questions are unending for each of us almost on a daily basis. What we decide to do should be based on what we want our child to learn. But too often our decision is made for convenience, or worse yet out of fear of not being those great parents we want to be, the ones our child deserves.

So take a little time to think ahead about these questions before being demanded by the circumstance to act on them.
Question #1. Are we responsible for returning our child’s library book to school?
Answer. Did we check it out? Did we bring it home? Did we have an assignment to read it?
Question #2. Are we responsible for returning our child’s homework to school?
Answer. Was the homework assigned to us? Did we do the homework? Did we bring it home?
Question #3. Are we responsible for remembering to give our child his lunch box as he leaves the house or the car?
Answer. Are we planning to eat his lunch at school?
Question #4. Are we responsible for dressing our child?
Answer. Can our child dress herself?
Question #5. Are we responsible for selecting our child’s clothing each day?
Answer. Can our child make that choice? Will our child be damaged in any way if she wears mismatching outfits? Will our child be hurt if she wears long-sleeved shirts in warm weather?As we face these unending dilemmas we need to ask ourselves, “What do we want our child to learn?” Do we want our child to learn that it’s not necessary to remember library books, homework, and/or lunches because we as the parents will remember that for them? Do we want our child to learn to be responsible for himself or do we want him to know that we will always take care of him because we know that s/he is incapable of taking care of himself?

Being a parent is challenging especially since most of us lack experience and training. But we are all up to the challenge. And by sharing our ideas we can all gain strength from each other. Besides, I already know you are your child’s best parents. I can tell from how hard you’re trying.

​As I look ahead with interest for the opportunity to spend my time with your children, I am also reflecting on my summer vacation and the particular life lesson that was then presented to me. My husband reminds me that summer recreation is a chance to re-create ourselves. Many years ago he had enjoyed a bit of fly-fishing and so for this summer’s recreation, he invited me to take up the sport and spend a week in Montana at a fly-fishing lodge. Loving that big sky state, I cheerfully accepted his vacation plans. Peter was excited that I was willing to be a good sport about fly-fishing, but underneath was a little concerned that I might change my mind when I got there and not embrace the experience. But we flew to Montana, rented a car, and drove to our fly-fishing lodge.
The road there, gravel, one-laned, and private, put us out of sight of others, but offered a closeness to nature that seemed foreign, yet familiar. I began to become more interested in spending a week in this hidden natural reserve.
We spotted our outfitter’s house and our adjoining cabin-like room, drove in the driveway, parked, and were quickly greeted by the wife and husband team, chef extraordinaire and fly-fishing instructor/guide. Thinking I needed to make myself comfortable, Peter let me ask our guide all the getting-to-know-you questions. Upon hearing the answers to some of my questions, I soon became uncertain if I were really committed enough to fly-fishing to require such an experienced, skilled, and serious instructor. But in a few minutes I was out by their pond holding the rod and reel and trying to learn how to cast. It was from then on that I received the lesson, the gift I gave to myself.
I permitted myself to be a learner, I reacquainted myself with myself as a learner, and I observed myself as a learner. It was not easy. But it was eye opening.
Our guide was very kind to me as he showed me how to cast, told me how to do it step by step, and showed and told me how simple it was to learn. I was unable to internalize his articulate and clear verbal instructions, to replicate his perfect and exact demonstrations, or to please him with my achievements so that he could avoid thinking badly of me or being disappointed in himself as a teacher. I, the learner, carried a heavy weight. I felt like I was going to be perceived as incompetent and uncoordinated because I couldn’t learn the techniques quickly. Luckily, I didn’t feel any pressure from Peter or our guide to compete with Peter. He was doing great!
Every time our guide demonstrated how easy it was for him to lay the line out by either casting my rod for me or with me so that I could watch what he was doing or feel what he was doing, I felt worse about myself. I began to think I was the poorest student he had ever had. As the days progressed and the kinds of fishing experiences expanded, I continued to feel that way. I also felt like my poor progress was depressing him. He was trying fervently to teach me how to do it. I didn’t want him to think he was a bad teacher because I wasn’t making the kind of progress he hoped I would.
I began to want to fish by myself. I wanted to practice in privacy so that I could figure it out on my own and avoid embarassment. I didn’t feel safe to be who I was as a fly-fisherperson because I was ashamed of my performance. I knew I wasn’t stupid, but I was feeling a little dull!
Yet I knew I was making progress. I was even satisfied with my own progress, and I was actually enjoying the whole experience of being in the wild and practicing. But it seemed that every time my guide watched me, I did my worst. I began to think he didn’t really know how much I was improving because he missed seeing my good casts. I tried harder to show him during the moments I thought he was watching me that I could lay the line down straight, but then I’d overperform and snaggle the line. I was feeling very frustrated.
In my times alone with Peter I told him how much I was enjoying our vacation. He was so excited that I was sticking with it that he could hardly contain himself. He congratulated me on my efforts. Finally, I was able to take Peter’s advice and talk about my fishing goals to our guide. I let him know that I really only wanted to fish for half of each day, that I was enjoying the whole experience of being in the wilderness in Montana despite the fact that I needed help crossing the swiftly moving streams and traversing the rocky banks, that I understood what to do from him but that I knew I just needed more practice, that I was satisfied with my progress and meeting my own goals, and that I appreciated his patience, time, and instruction. I was a content client.
What I didn’t tell him was how much his well-intentioned teaching techniques interfered with me as a learner. I was wasting a lot of energy worrying about extraneous stuff. But because I was a teacher by profession I was being provided with a lot of insight into how learners like me might be feeling when given lessons by teachers like my guide.
My fly-fishing recreation/vacation was a great opportunity for me to re-create myself as a teacher who knows what it is to be a learner. I want to stay in touch with myself as a learner so that I can be reminded of what the children are feeling when they face new and challenging lessons. I want to be the kind of teacher who offers opportunities for learning and then gets out of their way instead of getting in their way. I want to prioritize their learning over my teaching. I want to be the kind of teacher they need. I know that being a teacher is the easy part. Being a learner –  that’s a challenge!

I was raised in a traditional family during the fifties and sixties. At least, I always felt like it until I started to question the words “traditional family.” Then I realized that I was the only child of two working parents. I can’t remember a time when my mother didn’t work. Because both of my parents were public school teachers and had roughly the same work day as I had school day, I was never in “child care.” But I was a latchkey kid. In elementary school, I wore the front door key around my neck, and when I got off of the school bus I walked to my empty home and let myself inside. I didn’t have to wait long until my parents arrived home, and I never remember being frightened or afraid to be alone. I don’t think my parents worried about me either. I never had to call them when I got inside the house to signal my safe arrival home. In fact, I don’t remember ever calling them at their schools for any reason. We just expected everything to be all right with all of us. While we may have had fears, we also had faith in ourselves. We were guided by our common sense in those days.

So even though both my parents worked and there was no stay at home Mom at my house, I believe I was raised in a traditional family. Common sense used to be a tradition we all had. It was handed down from generation to generation until we all moved so far apart that we couldn’t reach each other’s hands. In its absence we found we had to replace common sense with something. That something has become a plethora of instant information, some of it so scary as to make us mistrustful and afraid. Some of it is so ugly as to make us cynical about the goodness of life.
​
I think we were a lot better off when we were holding hands with family and friends and sharing what we knew to be true. This is partly what makes our school a non-traditional educational setting. We still care about holding hands and sharing our life stories with each other and with our children. Years back, when I was little, that was traditional.

As you might expect I spend a lot of time thinking about children. They are my most favorite people because they so willingly accept us for who we are.

My thoughts about children frequently center on how to stay out of their way while they are learning. What can I do to keep from interfering, from becoming a bore by telling them all I want them to know, from overly explaining when truly I’m confusing them? How can I instead facilitate their life lessons and at the same time send the message to them that they send to me: that I accept them just the way they are? Children, after all, are supposed to be allowed to be children, to not know, to make mistakes, to be given room to learn, and to learn many times from their own mistakes, not from my lecturing them about their errors or from my saving them from their mistakes.

As I think about children and the lessons before them I am reminded that they aren’t the only learners; we adults are learners, too. Some of us are inexperienced parents. For example, for some this is the first time we’ve been parents of a seven year old, and next year it’ll be the first time we’ll be parents of an eight year old. Just as our child is changing, so does our job change. It’s not the same experience to parent a three year old and a thirteen year old. So, even though we may have been parents for a while, we’re always inexperienced with the age that our children are now. We should remind ourselves of this fact so that we can be fair to ourselves and not be too harsh in judging ourselves or our capabilities.
​
It seems to me that our children’s lessons in life deal with learning how to take care of themselves, and our lessons as parents deal with learning how to let our children take care of themselves. We need to get clear about what we think our responsibility is to our children. We want to deliver them safely to adulthood with life skills that enable them to be able to live without needing our parenting. This means we will be working ourselves out of a job we’ve fallen in love with. Like all of life’s lessons, it takes a while to catch on!

Thanksgiving is such an American event that I can’t help feeling patriotic when I experience it. Part of the experience for me is reading several versions of the Pilgrims’ story aloud to the children. I ache when I am reminded of the physical struggle they experienced during that first winter in Massachusetts, where half of them died. I try to imagine what it must have been like to have been a true stranger in the country I call my own. Then I am reminded that none of us (or at best a tiny few of us) is native to this land we fiercely claim as our land when we sing, “This land is your land, this land is my land.” But for all of us transplanted here either by distant relatives or more recent ones, Thanksgiving Day is a time for our families, for our traditions, and for giving thanks.
​
I hope you and your families make memories during these days together as you celebrate the gifts you are to each other. We’ll be doing that at our house, too.

We [teachers] evaluate the children’s achievement in objective and subjective ways. One area at which we look closely is the child’s language development. Facility with the spoken word belongs only to humans and the acquisition of this skill requires great concentration and hard work on the part of the young child. Because the child is so young when he teaches himself to talk and because he does this work in the home setting, we adults usually do not fully appreciate the intellectual feat to be what it is – probably our most challenging task in life! Because we all master it, we adults think learning to speak one’s native tongue is easy. We need to instead open our eyes and our awareness to the capabilities of the child. Then with a healthy respect for the child’s intellect as demonstrated by his acquisition of his native tongue we place our child in a setting especially prepared to take him forward to other intellectual challenges. This environment is pregnant with opportunities, giving birth to these opportunities as the child shows his readiness and interest.

One area of the prepared environment is the written language. We at the Center have chosen Caleb Gattegno’s approach to reading called “Words in Color”. It is the only approach which takes into account the language work the child has already done in learning to speak his native tongue and builds on this foundation. Gattegno called his approach the “Algebraic Approach” because the child gains strength in reading by building ways of unlocking words through manipulating sounds. For example, the words “pat” and “pit” are different words but have similarities which, when realized, make it possible to substitute the “i” for the “a” and be able to then read “pit” without having been told what the word is. Other transformations include reversing words, e.g. “stop” and “pots”. If one knows “stop” one can discover “pots” by reversing the order the sounds are uttered. Other systems avoid reversing words, fearful that children will mirror read. Gattegno faced the fact that children can read from left to right or from right to left and has given them the opportunity to understand the direction and to follow our system while still understanding that we can turn words around to make new ones. Another form of transformation utilized is to add sounds to words. We can have “end” and add an “s” to make “send”. These transformations are studied through games. Children love games and take them seriously. They accept that games have arbitrary rules which must be followed. Hence, children are eager to play games and we are happy that the by-product of such games is that the children learn to read.

Many people ask why Gattegno used color in his schema, yet educators have learned that children are interested in color and that color is an aid to the child’s memory. Gattegno’s charts are beautifully colored so as to attract the child and then offer additional treats for the learner as he sees that each color has a sound of its own regardless of the letters needed to make that sound in a particular word. So the word “michigan” is not called “machine gun” by accident, but the child sees that the “ch” sound in “michigan” has the color of the “sh” sound and correctly pronounces the word.

The charts are hung on the walls not just because they are so colorful but also because they offer so many possibilities for the child. The child may review a lesson by studying a particular chart or color or spelling. He doesn’t need the teacher to do this. He may begin his own study of a chart without instruction because he has been given the tools. He may continue to learn more words on his own. He may find a friend and work with him as the teacher worked earlier. With the charts available on the walls, the child is presented endless possibilities for his own exploration.

Gattegno begins his system simply with the short vowels and then 4 consonants. These are his building blocks. A lot is done with these to form a firm foundation for later work. The games are introduced early and played with delight. As the child gains muscles, more is presented until upon discovery of the 20th chart and accompanying materials, the child has met an example of every possible sound of the English language and every possible spelling for those sounds. In brief, he has met the written language which is his oral, native tongue. As the child reads he understands because it is his language that he is reading.
​
How long this process takes depends on who the child is and how he’s taught. Patience is not a virtue, it is a necessity. Little seeds are planted early and with care and nurture, strong competent children grow.

We teachers spend a lot of time with your children and sometimes take for granted that you know what is happening during the child’s day. We really want you to know how your child is spending his/her time, which is why we try to communicate with you via notes, newsletters, observations, and conferences. For those of you who are still wondering what your primary is doing at the Center, I write a few words of explanation.

For the primary child, aged 2½ to 5½ years young, the day begins with the arrival at school. The teacher is on hand to greet your child as he leaves you and enters his classroom or play yard. This greeting is important because it reacquaints the child with his school environment and his teacher as he moves from his home environment. It is at this time that some children may experience apprehension as they transition from the familiar, comfortable home surrounding to the school setting. We try to help those children who feel uneasy by diverting their attention from the parting and focusing on the positive aspects of our surroundings. You can help by making your parting swift and by being on time or a bit early to pick up your child! Never keep him/her waiting and wondering if you’re returning. This is very upsetting to children, especially since your child leaves you in the good faith that you will be there when he needs you to be, at the end of his school day, to transition him back into your fold.

Once your child has entered our world of school, s/he will greet his friends and his familiar Montessori prepared environment. He will select his work to begin his day. This may be something he has been thinking about doing for a while or a last-minute choice. Nonetheless, the teacher makes careful note to see which items initially interest and beckon him. She also watches to see how long he is engaged with the activity and the quality of his interaction with the materials. As his interest wanes, she will invite him to make another selection or perhaps will offer a special lesson so that he may learn how to work with another piece of equipment in the classroom. The materials are sequential and the teacher knows which activity to offer to each child based on what he’s been doing successfully. In this way the child’s choices direct the teacher’s next lessons. The teacher’s careful observational skills are vital as she will not rely upon tests or oral quizzing to determine proficiency or mastery, but she will depend on what she has actually seen your child do to guide her in your child’s next lessons.

Most of the morning is spent this way; the child selects his own work and the teacher watches and offers lessons individually. At the close of the work cycle the children put away their activities for the morning and gather as a group on the circle for a few moments of a story or a cultural lesson. Lunch follows the washing of hands and the child delights in preparing his own spot to eat. Orderliness is important as the placemat, napkin, and laying out of the lunch is done carefully and purposefully. Primary children are sensitive to manners, so the teacher takes advantage of this by assuring a calm, courteous atmosphere.

After lunch, the children go outside to play. They love the fresh air and are eager to run and spend some energy. Then they return to the classroom and the Montessori method. Twice weekly the children participate in music, which involves singing and movement.
​
The day ends as it began with a special word from the teacher, and the happy child cheerfully greets you with joy in his being, knowing he has met his inner need to learn in an independent and individual manner. He has been in a setting carefully selected for him, one in which the materials and the teacher have joined to offer experiences of worth for him at this time of his life.